Bilbo Eats Beorn
by NRG99
Summary: hey guys its finally here, Bilbo Eats Beorn! Enjoy the hobbit like never before! Laughter Guarenteed! T for swearing and violence.
1. An Unexpected Gathering, 4 Bilbo Atleast

A/N: So what is Bilbo Eats Beorn? Well it's a new way of telling the hobbit story, but this time with: A shitload of swearing, cutaway gags, and other shiz … which I can't remember off the top of my head. But anyways let's go! Side note: Cutaway gags are cutaway like this - - - - - - - and scene changes like thi

Bilbo Eats Beorn!

Chapter 1: An Unexpected Gathering, For Bilbo, But An Expected Gathering For The Dwarves, An Inside Joke With Saruman, Boromir And Gollum, And A Scheme For Gandalf

So, like, one day Bilbo Baggins was just farting around smoking himself to an early death, when a big ass wizard came around. "Herlooooo! I'm a looking for someone to go on an adventure with."

"Good day! And what kind of an adventure, might it be?"

"Oh, the usual. Fire, gold, walking for hours and hours, death, orcs, gold, dwarves, elves, blood, arrows swords, more death, wargs, axes oh and did I mention gold."

"Good day! I don't want an adventure."

"But you have to go on it."

"Good day! No, I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

"Good day! And get the fuck off my lawn!"

"Boy you do say good day a lot."

"Yeah, so what and bitch?"

"Well, you don't say it as much as Denethor."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - – - - - - -v- - - - - - - - - - - -

Denethor: Good day everybody! Good day castle guard! Good day Gandalf! Good day Pippin! Good day random woman! Good day doggy! Good day cactus! Good day big-ass skunk! Good day, son who I think to be dead! Good day sky! Good day sun! Good day moon! Good day man mooning me! Good day gasoline! Good day fire! Oh, good day pain! Good day 3rd degree burns! Good day kitty! Good day Stewie! Good day random man! Good day burning tree! Good day random insect I just stepped on! Good day Gollum! Good day Boromir! Good day Castle! Good day Osgiliath, burning and I don't give a shit! Good day Ian Hecox! Good day more pain! Good day Sauron! Good day Cthulhu! Good day Scooby-Doo! Good day orcs swarming around my castle killing my people, good day to you! Good day Fell Beasts! Good day Witch-King! Good day Homer Simpson! Good day other persons! Good day random hole in the wall which was oddly put there but somehow taunting people to jump off it and it would be so cliché and so predictable but somehow dramatic if that happened! Good day everybody! Good day loss of balance! Aaaaaaaah! Good day death!

Soldier: Thank god that's over with.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - – - - - - – - n- - - - - -

Bilbo: Wait a minute I don't even know your name.

Gandalf: "Oh it's Gandalf."

"Ah. Not THE Gandalf who brings those Fireworks, and not…"

"Stop!"

"What?!"

"You said it wrong!"

"What wrong?"

"The fireworks part, you said it wrong?!"

"How?!"

"You forgot the Copyright symbol!"

"Oh! Ok! So I say: Not the Gandalf who brings those fireworks©? Right?"

"Close Enough. The brand's name is called GANDALF'S BADAAS MOFOING EPICEST BESTEST FIREWORKS THAT EXPLODE, SHIDAZZLE, SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP! ™ All in caps! Oh and don't forget the registered trademark symbol and the copyright symbol!"

"So, I say it like this: GANDALF'S BADAAS MOFOING EPICEST BESTEST FIREWORKS THAT EXPLODE, SHIDAZZLE, SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP!™©®?"

"Bingo!"

"So, like I was saying: not the Gandalf that takes all those young lads and lassies on adventures from which some do not return and the ones who do always talk about scary things which they never describe of. Hmmmm… I think that they were…"

"Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for a molester of young kids!"

"That's not what I was going to say?!"

"Oh… Neeeevermind!"

Bilbo looked oddly at Gandalf. "Are you sure you're sane?"

Gandalf screamed at Bilbo. "Damn it, Bilbo. Don't ask questions like that. Just don't."

But Bilbo wasn't listening. A little boy had kicked his ball into Bilbo's yard and was running to pick it up. "Son of a Sackville-Baggins! A son of a Sackville-Baggins! And he's on my lawn!"

The little boy looked up surprised. He saw Bilbo and looked scared. "Oh no, sir! Please don't kill me, sir! Oh please don't! I just wanted my ball! I'll never do it again, sir! I promise!"

Bilbo turned around and grabbed and axe from his porch. The boy started to run off screaming. "Wait, sir! My mum's not even a Sackville-Baggins no more! She married a Proudfoot!" But it was too late. The axe embedded itself inside the back of the boy's head and he fell to the floor dead.

Bilbo took his pipe out of his mouth, all gangsta style like, and yelled back at the dead body. "Yeah, bitch! One less Sackville-Baggins around! Biatch! I gon' fuck you all up! You bitches ain't never not gon be not stepping no of yo' feet on my lawn, no you won't bitches! Yeah! You see your lil boy over died huh, bitches! Well yeah, mudafuckas! Blood has been spilled 'night y'all! Bring it on, hoes! I'll fuck you all up, bitches! None of you hoes is gon be left alive by tonight! Yeah! Yo asses gon get axed tonight, bitch! Bilbo's in the house and you'll never be in it, biatch! It's goin' down, bitches! Fuck yeah! Silver spoons, hoes!" Then he sat down and said. "Go on."

Gandalf just sighed and said. "You and Thorin Oakenshield are gonna be best of friends."

"Say what? Who's that?" Bilbo asked.

"Oh, it's nothing! One question: What does "Silver Spoons" stand for?" Gandalf asked in turn

"Oh it's an inside joke."

"I don't like inside jokes." Gandalf stated.

- - - - - - -k- - - - - - - - - - - - - – – - - - - - -

Gandalf entered the doors of Moria with a big-ass babang. He saw Saruman, Gollum and Boromir sitting around a table laughing. So he said. "Hey guys! Wassup!"

The trio looked at Gandalf and burst into laughter. "So guys, what's so funny?"

Gollum burst laughing. "It's an inside joke! Ha!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -h- - – - - -

"Okay but I don't see how that makes you dislike inside jokes." Bilbo said.

"You know nothing!" Gandalf yelled pointing his finger menacingly at Bilbo. Then he ran off crying 'cuz he's a pussy like that.

Bilbo went back inside his house, sat his fat-ass down on his chair and was watching a videotape of him killing Sackville-Bagginses, when Gandalf reappeared at his door. "Hey can I come over for tea, tomorrow?" He asked.

"Sure whatevs!" Bilbo responded lackadaisically eager to continue watching his video. As Gandalf slammed his door closed, Bilbo shouted out. "And don't draw anything on my door."

Gandalf looked at the door, contemplating about what he was going to do and he said. "Merp! It's not drawing." Then he etched some shiz on Bilbo's door and left.

_ G _

Later that day, Bilbo had already forgotten that Gandalf was coming over for tea. So there he was sitting on his fat-ass on his chair smoking himself to an even earlier death, when there was ring on his door.

"Oh Gandalf, you're here!" he said cheerily and he opened up the door to greet him, but instead of seeing Gandalf he saw… a big-ass muscled tattooed dwarf. "Who are you?"

The bearded dwarf suddenly grabbed Bilbo by his shoulders and screamed. "Do You Have Steroids?! Tell Me You Have Steroids!"

"I don't think I have any." Bilbo whimpered very frightened.

Obviously that was the wrong answer, because the big dwarf picked him up and yelled. "What Did You Just Say?!"

"I think I might have some in the back room and if there aren't any the Sackville-Baggins might have some!" Bilbo cried desperately.

The big dwarf chucked against the wall and Bilbo made a sound like a constipated guinea pig being hit with a taser. Then the big dwarf ran out of the front room yelling. "Fuck Yeah! Steroids!"

Bilbo heard crashing sounds in other parts of his house. He sighed and got up on his feet. "It's gonna be a long night."

A/N: So how do you like it so far? Please tell me! Feedback is great! And as you all know either its one dwarf or many, so stay tuned for chapter 2 cuz 12 more dwarves are on their way! Bye! Check out Frodo Eats A Balrog, but beware, it's a bit crazy! Review, favorite, alert and all dat other sturff and thank you! I'll get the next chapter in 2013, because until then I'm in Paris! Bye, for realz this time!


	2. Big Dwarf, Old Dwarf

A/N: Okay, I know I wasn't going to write chapter 2 until 2013 but I just couldn't resist writing this. In this chap we see Balin arrive.

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 2: Big Dwarf, Old Dwarf…

Bilbo sighed and put on a jacket, looking out at the big hole in his backroom. The Steroid-addicted Dwarf that had created the hole was now in the Sackville-Baggins' house acting like a really fucked-up Incredible Hulk. But a midget fucked-up Incredible Hulk.

"Ah well. Hopefully he'll rip off some heads while he's at it." Bilbo said remorsefully shivering. "And fix my wall.2

Then someone ringed his door bell. Bilbo asked. "Who is it?"

The person behind the door said in a creepy pedophiliac voice. "Oh goody! There's a boy in there." Bilbo stumbled backwards. The voice continued. "Oh how nice! Hey there boy, are you muscly, eh?" Bilbo opened his mouth in fear. The voice ringed the bell again and said. "You there boy? I'm ringing your bell, boy, I am! Let me in boy. I ain't gonna hurtcha or anyting! Just let me in boy, let me in."

"Oh God, No!" Bilbo said shocked. He pulled an axe out from his cupboard and yelled menacingly at the voice. "I have an axe and I'm not afraid to use it!"

But the voice just said. "Oh, but see here, muscly boy, I have an axe too!"

Bilbo dropped his axe and looked through his cupboard and pulled out a shot gun. "I've got a gun!"

Then the voice said. "Oh no boy! Don't shoot me, I'm just a dwarf!"

This just made Bilbo angrier. He loaded the shotgun, stood on top of his chest of drawers and aimed his shotgun at the door knob which was rattling as the voice tried to get in. "Fuck no! I've had enough of dwarves!"

The voice persisted. "Let me in, boy! I don't want ta hurtcha I just wanna play witcha!"

Then Bilbo flipped and shot the door. The voice yelled in pain and something slumped against the door. Bilbo, surprised, dropped the gun and opened the door. An old dwarf fell into the hallway bleeding from the shoulder.

"Oh fuck, I think I killed him!" Bilbo exclaimed aghast. But then the body stirred. Bilbo wiped his forehead relieved and said. "Phew! He's alive! Oh Fuck! He might sue me! And if I kill him I'll be arrested! Fuck! What to do! I'm not a surgeon! Heck, I don't even know CPR!"

Then the old dwarf whispered. "Hey, Sonny, you can to do mouth to mouth with me. No problem for me."

Bilbo looked mad. He grabbed the dwarf and dragged him by the arm of the shot shoulder, the old dwarf screaming in pain, and brought him the long way to an empty closet and chucked the old dwarf in it. The dwarf looked and saw that he was in a closet and said. "Oh, yeah! Now come on in, muscly boy, come on in to the closet so we can come out of it." But Bilbo just slammed the closet door and locked with a key than he moved titanium door in front of it.

Bilbo left the room sat down in a chair and sighed. "Ugh! There's a hole in my wall, dwarves in my house, a midget hulk let loose on the shire, a creep in my closet and pedophile blood all over the floor."

He got up, grabbed a mop and started to clean the blood when the door bell rang. "Oh, Fuck no!"

A/N: So next chapter is …1 Dwarf, 2 Dwarves (yes I am using the doctor Seuss book name: 1 Fish, 2 Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Just with the names mixed up) and that will appear in 2013 so until then, Goodbye! And don't forget to review! And don't let Balin into your house!


	3. One Dwarf

A/N: Sorry this took me some time to upload but I haven't had much time with my school and all but new chapters coming soon and quicker than this one because I'm about to have a two-week vacation and that means I'll have lots of free time to work on my fanfics. So see you soon! And Enjoy!

Bilbo Eats A Bear

Chapter 3: One Dwarf…

Bilbo was sitting down at his table eating his bread listening to the screams of the pedo-guy in the closet and the screams of the Sackville-Baggins having their heads ripped off.

"Besides from all the abnormalities so far this day might not be half bad in the end." Bilbo said stuffing his face. "Hmmm. I might even celebrate by eating the last piece of cake tonight."

Suddenly there was a knock on his door. "Oh fuck no! Not another dwarf!" Bilbo yelled, going for his shotgun.

"But I'm not another dwarf!" The voice behind the door said.

"Oh okay then!" he walked up to the door, opened it up and he saw… a dwarf. "What the hell! You said you weren't a dwarf!"

"Aha! I said I wasn't **another** dwarf!" The black-haired dwarf stated, grinning oddly.

"I don't get it." Bilbo said blandly, obviously upset that there was a dwarf in front of him. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

The black-haired dwarf stepped in the hole-house-midget home-thingy… ahhhhh… what the hell… stepped into Bag End with an air of superiority and started saying. "Well, obviously you know my name but just are to flabbergasted that I really am in your…"

"Hey! What are you doing? I didn't say you could come in here! Get the fuck out!" Bilbo yelled. Then he shoved the black-haired dwarf out of his house and into the mud.

The black-haired dwarf looked shocked and stared at his muddy hands. "How could you do this to me? I'm a celebrity!"

"Say What?" Bilbo asked unamused.

"Well… What do you do when you go on the internet?" the black-haired dwarf asked.

"I check my e-mail, play Plants vs. Zombies and watch YouTube." Bilbo responded not really knowing where this conversation was going.

"Aha!" The black-haired dwarf Jumped and pointed his finger at Bilbo. "And what do you watch on YouTube?"

"Smosh, Nigahiga, Ray William Johnson." Bilbo said definitely lost at the angle of the black-haired dwarfs'.

"You mean you don't watch Kili2323!?" The black-haired dwarf said in aghast.

"Never heard of him." Bilbo stated bluntly.

The black-haired dwarf fell to his knees put his hands to his head and whispered. "No. No. No. This hasn't happened since… since… it hasn't happened since Mordor!"

-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n

"So, Mr. Orc… Are you amazed that I'm actually talking to you?" Kili asked smugly at the Orc that was guarding the entrance to Mordor.

"Who are you?" Asked the Orc, confused.

"Dude… I'm Kili2323!" Kili said proudly. "YouTube celebrity." He added.

"Never heard of you." The Orc said unfazed.

"Ughhh. Well, haters gonna hate. But if you don't mind skedaddling 'cuz I bet I got a whole bunch of fans past this gate here." He pushed the Orc aside and walked up to the gate.

The Orc put his spear in front of Kili so he couldn't go forward. "Hey! What's with all this?!" Kili said surprised.

"One does not simply walk into Mordor." The Orc said smugly.

"Wha…" Kili said confused.

"Ughhh. Do you have a pass or not?" The Orc asked exasperated.

"Um… not?" Kili said not really understanding anything. The Orc pushed him into the mud. "Hey! That wasn't very nice!"

The Orc pointed a finger at Kili and yelled. "Do you want me to dislike every single one of your videos!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't do that!" Kili yelled.

"Then Get The Fuck OUT!" The Orc yelled clearly pissed off with Kili.

"Okay." Kili whimpered. He walked away crying.

-h-h-h—h-h-h-h-h-h-h

"Seriously? Did you just say that out loud. Dude! That's so embarrassing… for you!" Bilbo mocked Kili. "I bet you don't have more than 5 subscribers anyways! Pussy!"

"I'm hungry." Kili stated turning red like a tomato.

"You can only have the spinach in the freezer!" Bilbo called back to Kili. "Blech!" Bilbo said under his breath.

Kili opened the door to the fridge and said. "Oh cool! Cake!"

"Don't you dare touch that!" Bilbo yelled threateningly, quick walking into the kitchen.

He entered the room and Kili was already licking the plate that once held the last piece of cake upon it. "What?" Kili asked not understanding why Bilbo was fuming mad.

Bilbo pointed his finger at Kili and yelled menacingly. "I… Will… End… You!"

To be continued…

A/N2: Yes I have separated chap 4 into two parts but that's because usually in my humor stories if I start something then, like a day later, I try to continue it I usually can't. So hope you enjoyed and reviews are always helpful, unless you're trollin'.


	4. Two Dwarf

A/N: Sorry this took so long but the computer needed to be fixed for a couple of days.

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 4: Two Dwarf

Bilbo grabbed a butter knife and leaped at Kili when all of a sudden (again) the doorbell rang. Bilbo ignored it and started hitting Kili with the handle of the knife.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop It! It could be the cops!" Kili yelled in pain.

"Oh shit!" Bilbo stopped hitting him and looked at the door. Then he hit Kili on the head one last time for good measure (followed by another "Ow!") then stuffed Kili in the bathroom and ran to the door.

He was about to open it when he thought. _Bilbo: I shouldn't be too hasty…_

_Treebeard: That's a good idea._

_Bilbo: What The Fuck! Who are you?! And get the fuck out of my head!_

_Treebeard: Sorry!_

_Bilbo: That was odd!_

Bilbo shook his head and asked to whoever was behind the door. "Are you the Shirriff?"

"No." The voice said. Bilbo started to walk away when the voice added. "But I'm not a dwarf!"

_Oh crap! It might be Gandalf! _Bilbo thought worryingly. He opened the door… and saw empty air? He looked down and saw a little deformed son of a bitch standing on his porch.

"I'm a goblin!" It yelled. Bilbo took a step back scared out of his wits. "Blue!" It added running between Bilbo's legs.

"Hey! What the hell!?" Bilbo yelled flustered, trying to stop the little hyper bastard.

The little goblin knocked down a flower vase and picked up all the little pebbles in it. "Rocks!" It yelled. Then he ate them all.

"Da Fuq?!" Bilbo said inching his way backwards.

The little goblin opened up a chest and grabbed stuff from inside it. "PAPER! PEN!" It yelled looking at the objects. "I have found my DESTINY!" Then it ran out of the door, skipping singing. "Purple! Purple! Purple! Oxymoron? Non sequitur! Purple! Purple! Purple! Omelets? Non sequitur! Purple! Purple! Purple! Addition? Non sequitur!"

Bilbo just stood there for a minute his mouth hanging open. "Da Fuq?" Then he snapped back to his senses and started to close the door when someone put their foot in front of the door.

Bilbo reluctantly opened the door. The dwarf smiled and said. "Hello, I'm Fili2323!"

"Whopee!" Bilbo said dripping with sarcasm.

"Cool." Fili said not noticing the sarcasm, which of course would have suffocated him if it was solid. But that's the thing with dwarfs… they're assholes. Fili flipped out a piece of paper and a pen. He said. "So! How many autographs do you want?"

This sentence was ensued by silence only interrupted by crickets chirping, owls hooting and a random hobbit yelling. "Oh hell no! Someone stole my pie!"

"Who are you?!" Bilbo asked bluntly.

"Were you listening?! I'm Fili2323 from FanFiction!" Fili explained exasperatedly.

"From where?!" Bilbo asked, confusedly.

"From FanFiction!" Fili said again, more exasperatedly than before.

"What's that?!" Bilbo asked more confusedly then the last time he asked a question confusedly.

"You Should Know!" Fili screamed, so exasperatedly that it was more exasperatedly than the last time that he said something exasperatedly which was said more exasperatedly than the other time he said something exasperatedly.

"Why should I know?!" Bilbo asked even more confusedly than the other time he asked confusedly which was more confusedly then the other, other time he asked something confusedly.

"Because we're in a FanFiction story!" Fili said so god effing damned exasperatedly that it was said even more exasperatedly then the last time he said something exasperatedly which in turn was said more exasperatedly than the other last time that he said something exasperatedly which in of its self was said more exasperatedly than the time before this time that he said something exasperatedly which was said exasperatedly!

"Right now?!" Bilbo asked more confusedly then the last time he said something confusedly which was said more confusedly then the last time that he said something confusedly… Ah, screw that!

"YES! As we speak!" Fili yelled.

"Why are we yelling?!" Bilbo asked, whilst yelling himself!

"Because there are exclamation points and the end of all of our sentences!" Fili yelled.

"Why are they there?!" Bilbo asked yelling.

"Don't ask me! Ask the author!" Fili yelled.

"This is so confusing!" Bilbo yelled holding his head in his hands.

"NO!" Fili yelled punching Bilbo in the jaw.

Bilbo put his hand to his jaw and said. "Dude! What the hell! Just because you understand what's going on right now doesn't mean you have to punch me!"

"NO!" Fili yelled again punching Bilbo in the other jaw.

"Stop it!" Bilbo yelled.

"NO!" Fili yelled Bilbo in the jaw again.

"What's your problem?" Bilbo asked flabbergasted.

"NO!" Fili yelled (Yep! You guessed it!) punching Bilbo in the jaw.

"That's not even a coherent answer to my question!" Bilbo yelled at Fili.

Fili stood for a second contemplating. Then surprised punched Bilbo in the jaw yelling "I NO!"

"You just like screaming 'NO!' and punching people min the jaw. Am I right?"

"Yep! You're a scaredy-cat!" Fili said suddenly.

"Wait! Why am I a scaredy-cat!" Bilbo asked flustered and surprised.

"Because you have Guestaphobia!" Fili explained stoutly. (Don't ask, I'm running out of adjectives.)

"Since When?" Bilbo said salmonally.

"Since now and until you prove to me that you don't have it." Fili said graveyardily.

"How can I unprove it?" Bilbo asked toiletly. (Help!)

"By inviting 10 more guests in here." Fili said _lembasly._

"Challenge accepted!" Bilbo said like that meme. (Phew! No need for an adjective there!) "As long as you stop yelling 'NO!' and punching me." Bilbo added sneakatively.

"Okay!" Fili said shaking Bilbo's hand. Then he punched Bilbo in the jaw again.

Bilbo looked menacingly at Fili and started. "Why you little…"

Then suddenly Dwalin crashed through a wall into Bag End again holding a pie in one hand and a fat bluebird in the other. He bellowed at the top of his voice. "Pie Smash!"

And then everybody screamed like a little bitch.


	5. Worst Doctor Evar!

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 5: Worst. Doctor. Evar!

"Kitty!" Everyone screamed. A cat had walked through the hole in the wall. It was a pure black cat with white armpits.

Bilbo, Dwalin, Kili and Fili all surged forward to pet and cuddle the kitty while Balin slammed at the closet door wailing.

Dwalin pushed everyone aside and picked up the kitty.

"Aggh! Moolester!" The kitty yelled trying to get out of Dwalin's bear hug.

"Ooooh! Looky! The kitty collar has an orange flaming lidless eye on it!" He looked at everyone. There was silence for a moment. Dwalin then lifted the kitty up in his hands to look at it. "That means… that means… that means that you're owned by a guy with an eye!" Dwalin exclaimed.

"Dumbass!" The kitten shouted and face palmed. "Everyoone has an eye! From you Dwoorves and Hoobbits to Oolves, Balroogs, Hoomans, Goobelins, Oorcs, Ooliphaunts, Valinoor and even" *shudder* "Oogles!"

Then the kitty wriggled out of Dwalin's hands and walked out of the hole in the wall and once he was he turned around and addressed everyone in Bag End. "Nay! I am owned by none of the people I mentioned earlier. In fact I am The One Kitteh To Claw Them All and my master is the Dark Lord Soor…"

Then he was cut off by a hobbit who yelled. "The Eagles are coming! Wait, I mean the Eagle is coming… there's only one."

"The Oogles are coming? Wait, you mean an Oogle is coming… and it's only one?!" The One Kitteh To Claw Them All looked at the hobbit. "Well that's one too many! Run for your lives!" The One Kitteh To Claw Them All yelled running in a circle. Then a big Eagle swooped down and picked up The One Kitteh To Claw Them All.

Everyone was depressed and Dwalin sat on his bluebird and said. "Pie Sad!"

-b- -b-b-b-b-b-

Over the Shire…

Gwaihir catches the Eagle, who is actually Dumbfuckinor Gwaihir _accidental _son, with The One Kitteh To Claw Them All in his claws. "Damn it Dumbfuckinor! How many times have I told you not to catch a Kitteh before dinner?!"

Dumbfuckinor looked surprised at his dad and said. "None."

"Well I shouldn't have to! Now drop that Kitteh or I'll ground you to your eyrie for a month."

"What! That's Mean!" He looked at his father, who gave him a stern look that would have your eyeballs out of your spine and Dumbfuckinor dropped The One Kitteh To Claw Them All.

"Good. "Gwaihir said happy that his son obeyed. Then he added. "You're grounded to your eyrie for a month and a day."

"What the fuck!" Dumbfuckinor yelled in outrage.

"Two Months!"

- -b- b-b -b –

Suddenly the door banged open and an old dwarf with a 5 foot staff jumped in saying. "Hello! It's me, Oin!"

Bilbo: POKERFACE, Dwalin: POKERFACE, Balin: POKERFACE, Kili: POKERFACE, Fili: POKERFACE, Elrond: POKERFACE, The One Kitteh To Claw Them All: POKERFACE, Gwaihir: POKERFACE, Dumbfuckinor: POKERFACE, Fly on the Wall: POKERFACE, Voldemort: POKERFACE, Hobbit #1: POKERFACE, Hobbit #2: POKERFACE, Hobbit #3: POKERFACE, Bag End: POKERFACE, Lady Gaga: POKERFACE, Bug on the wall: POKERFACE, Internet: POKERFACE, NRG99: POKERFACE, Eru Ilúvatar: POKERFACE, Oin's Butt: POKERBUTT

Bilbo grabbed his gun and yelled. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

Fili tapped him on the shoulder. "You had a challenge!"

Bilbo dropped his gun, which discharged and shot Balin in the foot. "Who are you?" he asked.

_Treebeard: POKERFACE_

_Bilbo: Slowpoke._

Oin responded. "Well, I'm Oin and I've come here to go on an adventure."

"And how can you help?" Bilbo asked again.

"I'm a doctor!" Oin exclaimed.

"That can help us? Yeah right!" Bilbo laughed.

_Sloth: POKERFACE_

_Bilbo: Slowpoke._

"Let me demonstrate." Oin walked up to Bilbo. Then he smacked him on the head with his 5-foot Iron staff.

Bilbo crumpled to the floor wailing. "OOOOWWWW! I think you fractured my skull!"

Oin bent down and put some Ointment©®™ on Bilbo wound.

Bilbo looked up groggily and said. "Hey it doesn't hurt anymore! That stuff actually works!"

Oin looked at his fingernails and told Bilbo. "Well, now you're in my debt. I saved your life."

"What no!" Bilbo exclaimed, standing up. "You put my life in danger in the first place, so that doesn't count!"

Oin grabbed his 5-foot iron staff and hit Bilbo on the head again. Bilbo crumpled to the floor again. Oin put some more Ointment©®™ on Bilbo's head and stood up. "Well, now you owe me your life twice!"

Bilbo didn't even open his eyes. He just lay there and mumbled. "Worst. Doctor. Ever."

To Be Continued…

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and tell me what you think. 'Till next chapter! Bye!

-AWSM

_Slowpoke: POKERFACE_


	6. Do it with some ALCOHOL!

A/N: Hi guys! Chapta 6 is here! Longest chapter yet, Bitches! Enjoy, tell me what you think and peace out!

-AWSM

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 6: Do it with some ALCOHOL!

Bilbo sat down at his table. He poured himself a big cup of tea. "Alright everyone sit down at the table! It's dinner time!"

Fili and Kili ran to the table and sat down banging their forks and knifes on the table. "Fooooooooooooooooooooooood!"

"No food for you." Bilbo said giving a leg of chicken breast.

"What!" Kili said in outrage.

"You ate my cake and for that you must be punished." Bilbo said firmly.

"Gaah!" Kili wailed in despair. "What am I going to eat?"

"You can eat your cutlery." Bilbo said dripping… I mean dripping with sarcasm.

"Okay!" Kili said happily. Then he took licked his knife. "Mmmmm… Rusty. But I bet a spoon would taste better than a knife." He took a spoon from the drawer and licked. "Even Better! I prefer rusty spoons." He walked up to Bilbo and whispered in his ear. "I like rusty spoons!"

Bilbo inched away in horror. Kili laughed and said. "Ha! Salad Fingers!"

"Oh. Yeah…" Bilbo said feeling stupid. Then he thought of an evil trick. "Hey Kili look here!"

"Huhuh." Kili said acknowledged.

Bilbo pointed to his thumb and said. "Salad Finger."

He pointed to his pointer finger but was interrupted by Kili who asked. "Hey, this is going to be a trick where you show me your middle finger?"

"Hey Muscly Boy! I wanna see your middle finger!" Balin yelled in despair.

Bilbo sighed and asked Oin and Dwalin who were talking about women dwarves and that kind of perverted stuff. Well actually only Oin was talking about that. Dwalin was just grunting in agreement, because his mind was on steroids. "Hey you guys, instead of being perverted bastards can you guys do me a favor and grab the straightjacket in the guest room and put Balin in it so we can tie him to a chair and fix it to the ground 10 feet away from the table so it's worse torture than what he's going through right now?"

"Sure thing!" The two dwarves said and went off to the guest room.

Bilbo addressed Kili. "No it's not a middle finger joke." He pointed again to his pointer finger and said. "Salad finger" then to his next "Salad Finger" then to his next next "Salad Finger" then to his next next next "Salad Finger." Then he pointed to all his fingers at once. "Salad Fingers." He paused and Kili nodded for him to go on. He curled up all his fingers and Kili leaned in closer in curiosity. "Salad Fist!" He yelled punching Kili in the nose who fell off his chair.

"Wooh! Yeah! I rule!" Bilbo said triumphantly.

"Hey Bilbo where should we put this… thing." Dwalin said holding Balin as Balin was wailing about the fact that Dwalin was only touching the straightjacket and not him.

Bilbo, Oin and Dwalin bolt Balin to his chair. Balin started wailing and the trio congratulated each other on a job well done. Then Bilbo said. "Oh snap he's near the window!"

"Oh looky! There are people dancing naked outside! Oh man if they're boys… Best day of my life!" Balin shouted from the other end of the room. "Oh dang it! They're all girls!" Balin wailed in disappointment.

"OOOH! Let me see!" Oin said running to the window. But before he could get their Bilbo smacked on the head with mug. Oin fell unconscious and Bilbo dragged him to the table.

Bilbo sat down at the table and was about to make a toast to surviving a full half hour with an old pedophile and wasn't molested when someone said. "Good beer eh?"

Kili waved at the dwarf. "Hey Dori! Remember me! You owe me five bucks!"

"Shut it, Kiddi or I'll shove 5 up your ass then round house kick to Mordor, for I am… THE DWARF CHUCK NORRIS!" Dori yelled back to him.

Kili shut up and acted like the tablecloth was more interesting. Which it was! I mean, really! That thing had pumpkins and zucchinis and mutant rabbits on it. Dang, that was one interesting table cloth.

_B _BBBBBBB –B_BBB-BBBBBBBBBBB _-BBBBBBB-BBBB-B –b-_

In fact Kili later bought it from Bilbo at a good deal and wore it as a cape to his death where before they buried him a man from grabbed it because it was so awesome and the people of Dale fought over it for years until an orc took it in the Battle of Dale. When he returned to Mordor he wore it as a loincloth and became the sexiest orc in Mordor, got a role in a movie which won all the Orcsers, he was on dancing with the Sauron and even got an orc wife. Until the battle of Minas Tirith where he was killed by Aragorn who ripped it of the orc's dying body.

But by ripping it off it got covered in orc blood and guts, so Aragorn sent through a wash where a cleaning lady stole and took it home and when she moved down south she brought it with here and thanks to the awesomeness of the table cloth created a mini empire.

But she too was killed by a measly easterling soldier who later on, thanks to some easterling magic from shamans who cast a spell on the tablecloth that gave the bearer of the tablecloth immortal life, became king, and had 54 wives, 54 horns and 54 sets of 1000 Mumakil (because 54 was the number of pumpkins on the tablecloth.) And eventually he went into battle with Eldarion and that my readers, is the true story of The New Shadow.

However J. R. R. Tolkien decided to stop writing it because he couldn't bear to write any more of a story where someone else has an awesome tablecloth that can never be his.

_b_ _BBB_b_ _B-B-BBB-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B

"Don't excuse me, I totally mean to be rude: When the hell did you get here?!" Bilbo said hastily before anything got awkward.

Dori sipped his beer and said. "Magically."

Fili scratched his chin and wondered. "Hmmmm. Something's not right…"

Dori ignored him and was walking to the fridge (probably to get another beer) when he fell down.

Balin tore out of his chair and straightjacket (always eager to help a man in need or not in need) and grabbed Dori's arm and said. "Hey there really muscly boy! Whatcha slip on? 'Cause I wan' slip on it tooooo."

"I didn't slip on anything!" Dori said splashing his beer in Balin's face.

"OWWWWW! Mah Eyes!" Balin screamed as he ran blindly into the closet, hitting it's back wall with a bang and the closed on him. Kili rushed to the door with his skeleton key and locked the door.

Dori got up and laughed. "Stupid gay idiot." Then tilted his head back to drink some beer from his mug. And there was nothing in it! "Beer! **U disobeyed!"**

-b b-b-b-b- b- -b- -b –b- -b –b- -b- -b- -b- -b- -b- -b –bb- -bb- -b-b- - b-

*Pokemon battle music*

Dori: Come on Mug!

Mug: *Nothing*

Announcer: Dori starts! Dori uses finger touch!

Dori: *touches mug with finger*

Announcer: It's extremely fucking effective! Now Mug uses solar beam!

Mug: *nothing*

Announcer: HA! Stupid mug you can't use solar beam. You're a fricking mug! You can't even move! Dumbass! Now Dori, Finish him! Dori uses Flail Attack!

Dori: *grabs flail and slams it down on mug smashing it to pieces*

Announcer: So take that! Yeh stupid mug! Dori wins!

-b- b- -b-b - - - - - b - - - - b - - - - - -b - - n ,, - -b- -b-b b -b –b-nb –b—b-

Dori roared in triumph and yelled. "Awww Yeah! I rule!" and as he said this he knocked a vase on a shelf down causing it to smash to pieces with grey dust everywhere.

Bilbo dropped his mug and stared with his mouth gaping open.

Dori looked embarrassed and said. "Uhh… mmm… I'll fix it?"

Bible filled with rage and jumped out of his seat and yelled at Dori. "How! Are! You! Going! To! Fix! My! Grandpa!"

Dori felt really bad and looked for an answer. "Uhhh… fffhhhh… with… WITH SUPERGLUE!" Bilbo gave him a nasty look which Dori misunderstood. "I… III… I'll go get it right now!"

He ran off, but only three steps later he slipped and fell again. Bilbo said annoyed. "What is it this time? Did you slip on nothing again?"

Dori got up and stretched his back. "NO! How can anyone slip on nothing? I slipped on a pie!"

Suddenly Fili yelled. "Hey! 'Magically' isn't a proper answer to a question with when!"

Bilbo looked at Fili like he was some sort of a stupid idiot, which he was. "That took you long enough!"

"Yeah! Nobody cares!" Dori added.

_Treebeard: Hey! It took me even longer to figure that out!"_

_Bilbo: You know what! Get the fuck outta my brain! _

"Hey! What's this about my pie being slipped on?" Dwalin boomed.

"I slipped on your pie!" Dori said proudly.

Dwalin grabbed Dori by the neck and started to shake him around and soon the two were fighting whilst Kili was singing. "Can! Can! Can you do the can-can?!Can you do the can-can?! Can you do the ca-ca-ca-ca-can?! Can! Can! Can you do the can-can?! Can you do the can can-can?! Can you do the ca-ca-ca-ca-can?!"

"It's like a cat fight but with dudes. Oh… it's called something but I don't remember it!" Fili remarked.

"I think it's called a camel fight." Oin helped.

"What?! No! No! No! NO!" Fili said in frustration. "Wait!..." Fili said raising his hand the thought coming to mind. "That's it! It's called a cock fight!"

"A cock fight! Oooooooooh!" Balin said inside the closet. "OW!"

"I think I fractured my skull…" Balin moaned. Then he added skeptically. "Can I have some of dat Ointment ©®™ on my head, applied by you muscly boy?

Oin smirked and sipped his beer. "No can do! I don't heal pedophiles! I do good deeds for the society, not bad ones."

Balin said in a sad and disappointed voice. "Worst. Doctor. Ever."

Bilbo jumped out of his chair, pointed at the closet door and yelled. "Hey that's my line!"

To be continued… and .

A/N: So what did you think? Do you like the indent or should I stay without them? Who should come next? Nori, Ori or Gloin? Like if you liked it, favorite if you favorite it, alert if you alerted it, review if you reviewed… this isn't making any more sense. BYE!

-AWSM


	7. Havoc, Havoc Everywhere

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 7: Havoc, Havoc Everywhere

"Alcohol!" Dori yelled dancing on the tabletop.

"Here, have some more." Oin said passing another liquid filled mug to the drunken dwarve. Oin nudged Bilbo who mentally counting the costs to repair his barely recognizable house and whispered. "That mug's full of apple juice."

Dori chugged it down, threw the mug aside, which broke it. _Another 5 dollars. _

Dori pointed at Oin with a menacingly look in his eyes. "That was…" Oin trembled in his seat.

"The best fucking whiskey I, like, ever, had, man!" The he fell backwards off the table and out of sight.

Oin just stared and said. "Well… that was unexpected."

Kili leaned over Oin's chair and added. "Like the journey."

Fili leaned over Bilbo's chair and added. "But not like the movie."

Then the two said "Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-h!" and high fived.

Bilbo got out of his chair and said. "Fred and George rip-offs."

"Bull-shit!" The duo said in unison. "Fred and George ripped us off. We came first."

"Hey I came first." Dwalin protested.

"Not to the house, silly, the first jokers in fiction." The two explained.

"Hey I can make jokes! You wanna hear one? Once there was a wittle dwarve who wouldn't buy big burly Dwalin any steroids. So he broke the dwarve's face! And if you catch my driftwood…"

Bilbo was about to tell Dwalin that it was drift, not driftwood, when Oin started roaring with laughter and fell off his seat. He eventually got back up and through giggles he managed to say. "That's good, you know. Oh god… little as wittle, like whittle. And driftwood instead of drift. Cause you whittle wood. Ooh that's good." Then Oin fell apart laughing.

"Right…" Bilbo said. The Dwalin screamed.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKK! A bird just pooped on my head. And we're underground!"

"Dundunduuhn!"

"Shut up Kili!" Bilbo retorted.

Dori woke up suddenly and stated. "I feel a presence, I haven't sensed since…" Three mugs of beer popped up in front of him. "… I blacked out! Alcohol!" He chugged them down and then gagged, clutching his throat. "Vinegar! It was Vinegar! Only one person would replace beer with vinegar… gaaaah Vinegar!" Then Dori fainted.

Then shit went to hell, got deep fried, packaged as Oreos, crumbled into a McFlurry and stuck right up Pippin's middle nostril.

Either they all took the same overdose of drugs, M. C. Escher magically fucked up their house or something else but it was bad.

"Havoc! Havoc, Havoc Everywhere!" Bilbo yelled running in circles.

Then a spear zoomed by Bilbo's ear. Bilbo turned and saw Viktor Krum who pointed his middle finger at Bilbo and yelled. "In Soviet Russia cow poo you!" Then he disappeared.

But suddenly he was replaced by Mario who started. "Hey-a it's-a me-a, Mario. And-a I-a have-a made-a a song-a about-a Bowser-a."

But he was quickly replaced by the Joker in a Ballerina Suit, who sang. "Over the hills we go, on a one and broken ski, over the hills we go, crashing into trees. Ha Ha Ha!"

Who in turn was replaced by a blue Mandalorian. "I'm Boba Smurf!"

*Ding Dong*

Everything returned to normal and Bilbo staggered to the door. Being a respectable *lie* Hobbit Bilbo regained his composition and opened the door.

_β_ц_|_|_$_ђ_±_ŧ_

Now for an over complicated explanation:

The thing, the creature - that stood in the doorway of the dainty hobbit house of Bilbo Baggins known with a graceful name of Bag End - yet not such as one in the shape of Gollum, nor Ungoliant, nor yet even Carcharoth. He was for like a man but yet of a somewhat smaller stature, for unto he was bigger than any hobbit and dwarve but yet not bigger than an elve's stature. Colorful was his skin, some leaf-like green and some violet yet upon which had the likeness of wild berries in the magical forests from yet upon farther than most a hobbit's wildest dreams. His faced was covered, of what looks upon the likeness of the majestic air but yet was a solid compound that was compounded from the fine sands of faraway places. His suit, if you may to persist upon the calling of it so, was far more advanced than the likes of the orc crafts in the Black Land of Mordor and around The Wizards Pinnacle in Isenguard, but yet plain in an almost surreal way. Upon this suit, two large wings, if that is what you wish to call them, were unlike those seen on the royal and numerous birds in the sky and jutted from his travelling-pack like object that which, upon his back he carried.

And now for a simpler explanation:

The dude at the door was Buzz Lightyear.

_B_U_B_B_U_B_U_L_B

He was holding a pizza box and said. "I have received no order for a pizza and I thought about how hungry you might be tonight so I filled your order."

"What?" Bilbo was given the box, which he opened. "Dude, there's nothing in here."

"I know… You ordered no pizza." Buzz Lightyear said. Then he gave Bilbo both middle fingers and said. "Oh! You just got burned mudafu…"

Buzz was cut short by Bilbo bullet to his heart. He collapsed and started straggling on the floor.

Buzz started to cough but then stopped. "Coughing's not the way to die. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die in style." Buzz thought for a second. He pointed at Bilbo and said. "I'll see you in hell! Wait no… Aha!"

Buzz grabbed Bilbo's shorts and said. "Please have mercy… that's not style… that's bull shit."

Buzz glared at Bilbo. "Do your worst. Oh wait… he already has."

Buzz wobbly stood up and hugged the door way. The he let go and let himself fall *insert Wilhelm scream here* into the mud.

Buzz lay in the mud and said. "Nah…wait! Curses! Nah… too cliché. Curse you! Nope… even more cliché. Fuck You!?Too vulgar…"

Buzz lifted his head and started. "That's it! I have the best final line ever!" Buzz took a breath but then screamed. "Oh shit! Wait! Ah! Help! I'm actually dying! Gah." Buzz had spazzed into a fuck-ass-weird position including his butt sticking up, his wings in his nostrils his feet in his mouth being held by his arms. Oh… and he was dead.

Bilbo inched backwards and slammed the door shut.

Then shit went straight right back to hell, got re-deep fried, re-packaged as Oreos, re-crumbled into another McFlurry and stuck right back up Pippin's fifth middle nostril.

The only person who wasn't flipping his lid or the lid of the toilet *Oin*, was Dori who was sitting in a chair sipping something out of a Sippy cup.

Dori smiled at Bilbo and motioned for him to sit down, which Bilbo did. Dori said after a sip. "Finally. I can drink this orphan tear junk without fucking my shit out." Then Dori fell out of his chair.

Bilbo was just about to get up when his chair yelled. "I want to eat your Cinderella dress!" Bilbo leapt out of his chair and threw it.

It hit a man behind a curtain, who proceeded to smash out the window and fall on a jagged rock. Oh, and die.

Neville walked by sideways waving his hands in random motions. "Final Destination!"

Everybody just stared at him. Awkwardly. Silently. Quietly. Bitch.

Neville slowly tiptoed into the kitchen. Everyone took a deep breath. Then Neville stuck his head out from behind the wall. "I was never here!"

"Yes you were!" Kili said 'Bitch Please' style.

"I know." Neville said. Then there was a pew and he fell down dead. Three stormtroopers came hopping out of the kitchen. One's gun barrel was smoking.

"Can you believe it? I actually hit something!" One shouted. Then they all shrieked like little girls. Maybe they were… well anyway they were eaten by a glowworm that chanted. "I has glows! I has glows!"

Bilbo looked out the window to see if anything weird was going on outside. But nothing weird was going on outside. Heck, nothing was happening outside, I mean what'd you expect, these are hobbits were talking about… come on. Idiot.

Bilbo turned away from the window and was greeted by E.T. "E.T phone sex line."

Bilbo chucked the stupid fucking thing out the window and quickly closed the venation blinds. He stood for a second, breathing deeply.

Then somebody screamed. "Aaaaah! There's a black hole in my asscheek!"

"Ugh… It's buttcheek, Nori!" Fili corrected.

Bilbo shot straight up. Slowly he turned his head around staring at Nori. "Nori, eh."

Nori, who was jumping on Bilbo's table stopped and froze.

Bilbo turned completely around walked slowly forward to the table. Then he quickly pulled out his rifle, with an insane look in his eyes and on his face, pointed the rifle at Nori and yelled. "Bitch! Who let you into my house?"

Nori started but Bilbo kept on going, spittle flying everywhere. "Give me one good reason not to shoot your fucking face right now, Bitch!"

"Because Martin Freeman hates you!" Nori yelled one leg up in a mock-karate pose, shielding his face with his arms.

Bilbo dropped his rifle, screamed. "What!" And then he ran out of his house with a butcher knife, raving at the lips. Though it would have been easier if he had brought his shotgun but hey… fuck you.

Nori sat down in a chair and Dori joined him. "It was a lie, right?" He said leaning in.

Nori plainly responded. "Yep."

Dori turned his head and started. "Well, I'm telling…"

But then his chair came alive yelling. "Vine-fucking-gar!"

The End dotdotdot

For now…


	8. Boring Ori

A/N: Woohoo! Shortest chapter ever! Definitely not something to celebrate about but fuck that! Anyone who was wondering: in the next chapter everybody else except Thorin comes in, then the next he comes, cuz he's a badass, they fuck around for a chapter then in chapter 12, the journey starts! YAY! This is gonna take forever…

-AWSM

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 8: Boring Ori

"That's odd." Nori said inspecting something on Bag-End's wall.

"What's odd?" Oin asked.

"Your face!" Kili said stopping his game of leap frog.

"Shut the fuck up!" Oin said chucking his glass of water at Kili, who started to shriek.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" Oin rolled his eyes.

Nori pointed to the thing-on-the-wall and blatantly stated. "That is a clock."

"Oh my Balrog! The clock hasn't even been invented yet!" Oin said shocked.

"The plot thickens!" Fili yelled, magically, in front of Oin's face now.

Oin kicked him in the balls and Fili staggered off… and died hopefully.

Just then Ori walked in.

"Wassup' bro!" Nori said giving him a high five. Oin did the same thing except he didn't call him bro' because he doesn't even know him. So there.

"Yeah, hey. So I'm going to go into the backroom to paint, 'kay." Oin said walking off.

"Merp. 'S'kay." Nori responded looking around. "Hey!" He said picking up a box of matchsticks.

Just before Ori went inside the backroom, a portal appeared under the ceiling and Dori fell through it, portal gun in hand.

"I think I lost it." Dori said wiping his brow with Oin's 5-foot staff. Cause he's bad-ass like that! "Oh Fuck! I forgot to close the portal!"

He quickly closed the portal but not before a rabid chair fell through it, which screamed. "I'mma firing ma lasers!"


End file.
